Are you #TeamWindow or #TeamDoor?

Simon Le Bon

We spend, according to some ill-researched fact I spent seconds scouring the interweb for, one-third of our lives asleep. We also spend 48 days having sex, 1.1 years cleaning, 2.5 years cooking, 3 months of our lives in traffic (Unless you live in Cambridge in which case it’s 5 years), women spend nearly 1 year deciding what to wear, the average man will spend 1 year staring at women, and, the most telling stat of all, 22% of us have a 1 in 8 chance of spending 5 days reading meaningless fun-fact based statistics from off the interweb.

One third of your life asleep. Give or take a bit. That’s roughly 8 hours a day. About the same amount of time as a pig, a rabbit and a guinea pig fact fans.

A cow, however, only sleeps for 4 hours a day. Which is surprising as you think they’d get more done, but anyhow I digress.

I’m writing this post because a recent thought between my significantly more interesting other and I is that we should buy a new bed.

We haven’t wrecked the old one or ‘owt. BUT WE’VE GIVEN IT A BLOODY GOOD TRY, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT. WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF!

Sorry, not sure what came over me then.

That’s what she said. Fnarr fnarr, but anyhow I digress again.

Yes, a new bed.

The old one has a ledge around it. Handy for putting your Sunday morning cup of tea on. A plus. Also very handy for accidentally maiming yourself. This is a massive blood-stained and bruised minus.

We’ve been looking at buying something new because we both utterly hate this 4 inch ledge that surrounds the bed, just below the mattress top. So its shamazeballs for resting things on, but when you move around the bed to open the curtains and welcome in the morning you will always bark and scrap your shin on this bastard ledge. Always. I’ve scraped my shin a lot of a lot on this hateful ledge and my loved one has actually broken her actual toe on this stupid, not entirely pointless (but very very very annoying) bastard of a ledge.

So, we’re getting a new bed WITHOUT a ledge and while things will be different, some things will remain the same. The love of my life, the left to my right, the light to my dark, the pig to my whistle (I should delete that one before publishing) will be sleeping on the side by the window, as per, and I shall be sleeping on the side by the door.

Why is this?

Why do some have this inclination to sleep window-side, while other sleep door-wards?

Well, dear reader, I have a theory and its all tied up with Darwin, natural selection and altruism. In fact it centres on theories from Darwin, Herbert Spencer and Auguste Comte. The Three Degrees of Sociobiology as I call them.

Darwin claimed that individuals with characteristics most suited to the environment are more likely to survive and reproduce, and called this natural selection. Herbert Spencer coined the term ‘survival of the fittest’ describing how members of a species most fitted to the environment in which they live have the best chance of reproduction and passing on their own genes and Auguste Comte wrote about altruism, where individuals behave selflessly towards others for the welfare of others, as opposed to egoism where people behave like douches.

Ergo, I sleep on the door side of the bed because I am best able to cope with the very real prospect of an axe murderer coming into the bedroom while we sleep. According to statistics found off the le internet, 1 in 100 of you have a 1 in 10,000 chance of being murdered by an axe murderer while you sleep. Or sommat. So, yes. Axe murderers. A very real threat.

Here comes the science bit.

I am, as a human man, bigger and stronger than my female lady bed friend, and have a greater chance of survival while forcibly repelling this mad axe murderers mad axe attack. My lady woman lover lady friend is smaller and, as a female has a higer tolerance to pain, and so she would be able to climb out of the window and drop twenty feet to safety, escaping the murdering axeman. I, while displaying altruism in order for her genes to survive, have hindered his attack but have been chopped to bits. She flees to safety, carrying her genes with her, ready to start a new life with Simon Le Bon.

RIP Spencer. Rest in Pieces.

Of course, if we just kept the bed with the annoying ledge,the mad axe murdering axe murderer would probably come into the bedroom, bark his shin on the ledge and leave us alone, swearing as he exits the house to go off to murder Brian and Jacqui over the road.

Maybe we should reconsider this new bed idea. Maybe it’s a bad bed idea?

Maybe we need the ledge?

Maybe it would save my life?

Maybe I should move over to the window?

I’m not sure I want to be cut into pieces and dumped for Simon Le Bon.

* * *

Do you sleep by the window or by the door, and why? Enquiring minds need to know and all that.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

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12 Comments

  1. This has given me a much needed grin after a morning with three sick offspring and barely any sleep. Especially the bit about Simon Le Bon.
    I always sleep nearest the loo, so generally that’s also nearest the door. The axe murderer would be a fool to try anything on with a middle aged woman who drinks tea too late at night and suffers the consequences.
    PS Our bed frame is 1940’s iron – violent and unforgiving. My shins send your shins sympathy and arnica.

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  2. I cannot sleep if the door is behind me, my feet have to point towards the door, what does that say about me?

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  3. Dear Spencer my good man I was in stitches reading that post, I now have a vision of a axe wielding loom rubbing his leg whilst in pain hobbling down the street to a new target lol. Anyhow the topic in question, I’ve always slept door side as my wife feels safer with me closest to the door, no idea why tbh as a bomb could go off and I’d sleep through it let alone and attack by a axe wielding loom lol.

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  4. dadwhoblogs

    Brian and Jacqui probably deserve it. Anyway, I’m neither. I do however sleep on the left (As you look at the bed)….always. Whether it’s door or window side. Wonder what that means!

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  5. downssideup

    Brilliant Spen, you made me chuckle. And I’m relieved it didn’t turn into a sponsored bed post 😉 (Forgive me if it’s going that way.)
    But seriously we have had similar conversations in this house too.
    Hayley x

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    • Nope. Not a sponsored bed post. Just a regular, run of the mill post about how to avoid mad axe murdering murderers.
      Thanks for reading. 🙂

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  6. Most people I know are left or right sleepers but I am a nearest the door sleeper. It really bugs me when I get nudged to the wrong side. I want to be fighting off axe murderers!

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  7. A lovely light hearted way to end my blog reading for the night, thank you! Oh and I have to sleep on the right.

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  8. suzanne3childrenandit

    Ha ha I love this and yes, I sleep by the door but this is because I have a very real obsessions with making sure the right side of the bed is mine…..don’t care what it’s next to but I seriously cannot sleep on the left! I also have absolutely no doubt that my husband would send me down first if an axe murderer was entering the property!

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  9. I always sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door – our room, hotels. If anyone could attack and dismember an intruder, it would be my, not my husband. 😉

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  10. I sleep on whichever side my wife’s not sleeping. Which, in practice, means I’m usually furthest from the door, as that’s what she chooses (usually, though there have been a few odd exceptions depending on the shape of the room. I’d explain, but I don’t always understand the logic of her choice).

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