Are you #TeamWindow or #TeamDoor?
We spend, according to some ill-researched fact I spent seconds scouring the interweb for, one-third of our lives asleep. We also spend 48 days having sex, 1.1 years cleaning, 2.5 years cooking, 3 months of our lives in traffic (Unless you live in Cambridge in which case it’s 5 years), women spend nearly 1 year deciding what to wear, the average man will spend 1 year staring at women, and, the most telling stat of all, 22% of us have a 1 in 8 chance of spending 5 days reading meaningless fun-fact based statistics from off the interweb.
One third of your life asleep. Give or take a bit. That’s roughly 8 hours a day. About the same amount of time as a pig, a rabbit and a guinea pig fact fans.
A cow, however, only sleeps for 4 hours a day. Which is surprising as you think they’d get more done, but anyhow I digress.
I’m writing this post because a recent thought between my significantly more interesting other and I is that we should buy a new bed.
We haven’t wrecked the old one or ‘owt. BUT WE’VE GIVEN IT A BLOODY GOOD TRY, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT. WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF!
Sorry, not sure what came over me then.
That’s what she said. Fnarr fnarr, but anyhow I digress again.
Yes, a new bed.
The old one has a ledge around it. Handy for putting your Sunday morning cup of tea on. A plus. Also very handy for accidentally maiming yourself. This is a massive blood-stained and bruised minus.
We’ve been looking at buying something new because we both utterly hate this 4 inch ledge that surrounds the bed, just below the mattress top. So its shamazeballs for resting things on, but when you move around the bed to open the curtains and welcome in the morning you will always bark and scrap your shin on this bastard ledge. Always. I’ve scraped my shin a lot of a lot on this hateful ledge and my loved one has actually broken her actual toe on this stupid, not entirely pointless (but very very very annoying) bastard of a ledge.
So, we’re getting a new bed WITHOUT a ledge and while things will be different, some things will remain the same. The love of my life, the left to my right, the light to my dark, the pig to my whistle (I should delete that one before publishing) will be sleeping on the side by the window, as per, and I shall be sleeping on the side by the door.
Why is this?
Why do some have this inclination to sleep window-side, while other sleep door-wards?
Well, dear reader, I have a theory and its all tied up with Darwin, natural selection and altruism. In fact it centres on theories from Darwin, Herbert Spencer and Auguste Comte. The Three Degrees of Sociobiology as I call them.
Darwin claimed that individuals with characteristics most suited to the environment are more likely to survive and reproduce, and called this natural selection. Herbert Spencer coined the term ‘survival of the fittest’ describing how members of a species most fitted to the environment in which they live have the best chance of reproduction and passing on their own genes and Auguste Comte wrote about altruism, where individuals behave selflessly towards others for the welfare of others, as opposed to egoism where people behave like douches.
Ergo, I sleep on the door side of the bed because I am best able to cope with the very real prospect of an axe murderer coming into the bedroom while we sleep. According to statistics found off the le internet, 1 in 100 of you have a 1 in 10,000 chance of being murdered by an axe murderer while you sleep. Or sommat. So, yes. Axe murderers. A very real threat.
Here comes the science bit.
I am, as a human man, bigger and stronger than my female lady bed friend, and have a greater chance of survival while forcibly repelling this mad axe murderers mad axe attack. My lady woman lover lady friend is smaller and, as a female has a higer tolerance to pain, and so she would be able to climb out of the window and drop twenty feet to safety, escaping the murdering axeman. I, while displaying altruism in order for her genes to survive, have hindered his attack but have been chopped to bits. She flees to safety, carrying her genes with her, ready to start a new life with Simon Le Bon.
RIP Spencer. Rest in Pieces.
Of course, if we just kept the bed with the annoying ledge,the mad axe murdering axe murderer would probably come into the bedroom, bark his shin on the ledge and leave us alone, swearing as he exits the house to go off to murder Brian and Jacqui over the road.
Maybe we should reconsider this new bed idea. Maybe it’s a bad bed idea?
Maybe we need the ledge?
Maybe it would save my life?
Maybe I should move over to the window?
I’m not sure I want to be cut into pieces and dumped for Simon Le Bon.
* * *
Do you sleep by the window or by the door, and why? Enquiring minds need to know and all that.
Oh, and thanks for reading.